The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Saving my good tweets for marriage
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors