Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.