*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
LOOOOOOL
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!