*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.