If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.