Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Danger is very dangerous
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven