*limbos away from your hug*
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo