The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.