Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
asking santa clause for nudes
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I ate everything, including the H.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.