@hobo_hands: Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat Businessmen] "Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh." *sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
@IamEnidColeslaw: I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
@TimmyPumpkin: dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST! wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO! tin man: worst spring break ever.