Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland