Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out