Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Actually cracking up @ this
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash