“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You Might Also Like
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?