“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)