Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Cheer up.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”