Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.