Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
What even happened today?