@mattZillaaaa: LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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@BuckyIsotope: Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
@_Tempo11: Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: "I'm so sorry"
@larasjeansong: parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!? me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread
@Gooooats: *calls wife into the bedroom* *dims the lights* *turns on Marvin Gaye* *sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*