LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Still laughing at this stupid meme
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.