@mattZillaaaa: LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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@goldengateblond: I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."
@_Water_Baby: Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".