LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
You Might Also Like
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face