LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Probably my best painting.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.