ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.