I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.