@SherBoBer: Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.
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@Breadery: Her: If I get fat will you break up with me? Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
@shegotagronk: Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS