A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.