Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You Might Also Like
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.