this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
They’re called werewolves.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!