Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication