Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
i think we should see other cousins
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely