Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..