Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
You Might Also Like
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.