*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
selfie game
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today