Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist