“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.