[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
So glad we cleared that up
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine