@ShesARealGenius: Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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@AaronFullerton: I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
@PAT_E_ROCK: The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
@Jandalize: Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.