List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What personal space?
My dog
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.