Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier