@ieatanddrink: Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the "FRESH EGGS" sign in my yard to brag
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@JKNenagh: I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
@beefman138: My local police department must really love me. They've devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as 'outstanding'.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.