Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
cyclists
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Warm pools make me nervous.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.