@ieatanddrink: Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the "FRESH EGGS" sign in my yard to brag
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@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
@thatUPSdude: Oh Subway You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we've been doing that for years. Sincerely; Guys
@johnnyw1981: As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
@ranndrew: [Job Interview] "It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?" *Eats rice with chop sticks* "Holy shit! When can you start?!"