Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
You Might Also Like
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally