@sugarboyfly: Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it's true that zombies won't eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
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@partlyfunny: My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me:
@InternetHippo: murderer: line up single file so I can murder you in the most efficient way me to the guy in line behind me: I like that he's a businessman
@KarenLyneButler: I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week! Said by nobody. Ever.