Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.