Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?