Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic