@lisaxy424: Listen jogger, I'm eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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@KeetPotato: [wife putting groceries away] "where's the bread?" i got mugged "specifically for bread?" [cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed] yes
@SamuelHLowe: -Why didn't you answer your home phone? -Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me? -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
@sarcasticmommy4: My son gave me a list of things he'd like in his Easter basket. This isn't Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?