How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You Might Also Like
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Hey i am sexy to you now
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol