@d2BMcG: Listen mate, the only rapture I'm interested in was sung by Debbie Harry
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@HomeProbably: I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.
@McKnightyBoo: My 17yo pretends he doesn't understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you're finally a man
@Deirdreocx: [First date] "So, do you have any pets?" Yeah, I have a pet crow. He's white. "You have an albino crow?" He prefers the term cawcasian.
@david8hughes: "You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."