I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
happy mother’s day❤️
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.