You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
OH. COME. ON.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]