Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.