WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.