@NotJPo: Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
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@1_swarthy_dude: Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby* Her:"WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!" Me:"Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio."
@KngHnryVIII: If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."
@DrizzyTheType: Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.