I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.